When someone you depend on breaks your trust, the pain can linger. Learn what betrayal trauma is, how it can show up and some gentle first steps towards recovery.
If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you have probably felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds. Any type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, but you might experience lingering trauma when someone you depend on to respect your needs and help safeguard your wellbeing violates the trust you have placed in them.
Betrayal trauma typically refers to the lingering pain and turmoil experienced after:
When you rely on someone for basic needs as well as love and protection, you might accept a betrayal in order to ensure your own safety. You might also find yourself accepting the possibility of future betrayals, something that can begin to wear down self-esteem, emotional wellbeing and the ability to form attachments with others.
Betrayal trauma was first introduced as a concept by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1991. She described it as a specific trauma that happens in key social relationships, where the betrayed person needs to maintain a relationship with the betrayer for support or protection.
Betrayal trauma theory suggests that harm within attachment relationships, such as those between a parent and child or between romantic partners, can cause lasting trauma.
People often respond to betrayal by pulling away from the person who betrayed them. But when you depend on someone to meet certain needs, this response might not be possible.
Children, for example, depend on parents to meet emotional needs along with food, shelter and safety. Similarly, someone who lacks financial or social resources outside their relationship may fear that acknowledging the betrayal and leaving could put their safety at risk.
This fear of the possible consequences might prompt the betrayed person to bury the trauma. As a result, they may not fully process the betrayal or remember it accurately, especially if it happens in childhood.
Although experts originally applied the concept of betrayal trauma to children betrayed by caregivers, it became clear that this type of trauma could also happen in other relationships.
It helps to step back to the basics of attachment theory, because attachment comes before betrayal. Your earliest childhood relationships are significant because they lay the groundwork for later relationships. When these bonds are strong and secure, they pave the way towards secure attachments in adulthood. Insecure bonds, on the other hand, often lead to shaky or troubled relationships.
A parent bringing a child into the world has a responsibility to protect and care for that child. This responsibility forms an unspoken agreement between parent and child. The child looks to the parent to prioritise their wellbeing and typically trusts them entirely, until the parent lets them down.
In a romantic relationship, you might not need your partner to survive, but you probably depend on them for love, emotional support and companionship. These relationships also rest on agreements: the boundaries that define the relationship. Partners in a monogamous relationship, for example, generally share an understanding of what counts as cheating and trust each other not to cheat. A partner who cheats breaks the terms of that understanding.
The trauma of betrayal can affect physical and emotional health, and the specific effects can vary depending on the type of trauma. Not everyone experiences trauma in the same way.
The effects of betrayal can show up shortly after the trauma and continue into adulthood. Key signs include:
Children who experience betrayal may also dissociate, detaching from reality to avoid memories of the abuse. If a parent fails to protect you, this betrayal can so deeply contradict what you expect that you block it out in order to keep the attachment.
Blinding yourself to the betrayal, and to your fear of future betrayals, helps you survive in a relationship you believe you cannot escape. Your ability to “forget” becomes a coping mechanism. Yet while dissociation might help you cope with the trauma, it can also affect your memory and sense of self.
Betrayal in a romantic relationship usually takes the form of infidelity, although other types of betrayal, such as financial betrayal, can also provoke a trauma response.
The discovery of infidelity often leads to:
Betrayal blindness can also happen in romantic relationships. You may not need your partner to survive, but you might still feel unable to leave for any number of reasons, such as children, a lack of options or having no income of your own.
Relationships also meet important needs for belonging and social connection, and a betrayal can leave you wondering how those needs will be met in the future. Instead of staying alert to signs of cheating, you might choose, often unconsciously, to overlook clues in order to protect the relationship and your emotional health.
After a betrayal in a romantic relationship, you might find yourself dealing with ongoing trust issues and self-doubt. Even if you choose to give your partner another chance, rebuilding trust can take a long time.
If you coped with childhood trauma by dissociating or blocking out what happened, memories may resurface later, especially if something similar triggers their return. Blocking them again may not be an option, and pushing them away does not help you heal.
The route to recovery looks different for everyone, but the strategies below may help you take the first steps. Speaking with your GP, or with a psychologist or counsellor experienced in trauma, can also provide guidance and support along the way.
Healing often begins with coming to terms with what happened. When the betrayal is not addressed, the turmoil can spill over into other areas of your life. You cannot erase it, so however carefully you try to suppress what happened, you might catch yourself replaying those memories when you are with friends, caring for your children or driving to work.
Facing a trauma like infidelity might seem too painful to consider. Acknowledging it, though, allows you to begin exploring the reasons behind it, which can help the healing process start.
Instead of getting trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism, you can begin to look at underlying relationship issues, such as a lack of communication or intimacy, and explore ways to address them.
Note: This does not mean the blame for the betrayal lies with you. Choosing to cheat is an unhealthy response to relationship problems.
Plenty of unpleasant emotions can surface after a betrayal. It is common to feel humiliated or ashamed. You might also feel furious, vengeful, sick or grief-stricken.
Naturally, you might try to avoid this distress by denying or blocking out what happened. Although hiding from painful emotions might seem easy and safe, avoiding or masking them can make them harder to regulate.
Putting a name to specific emotions, such as anger, regret, sadness or loss, can help you begin working through them. Recognising exactly what you are dealing with can make it less frightening to sit with those emotions and gradually become more aware of them. Greater emotional awareness, in turn, can help you find ways to cope with those feelings.
Opening up about betrayal is not always easy. You may not want to talk about childhood trauma or your partner’s affair. And once someone has betrayed your trust, you might find it hard to trust anyone at all.
Yet people need emotional support, especially during stressful times. Your loved ones do not need to know exactly what happened to offer companionship when you do not want to be alone, or distraction when your thoughts keep looping.
It is perfectly fine to let your friends know when you would like guidance and when you simply want to share your feelings without advice.
You may want to take care when discussing a partner’s cheating with mutual friends. Gossip can make a difficult situation even more painful, so you may prefer to save the details for your most trusted loved ones.
After a partner cheats, most people need some time to decide whether to end the relationship or try to repair it. You do not need to feel pressured to decide straight away. A relationship therapist can offer support and guidance as you consider whether rebuilding trust feels possible.
As you begin to recover from the initial shock, pay extra attention to your needs:
If you are having thoughts of suicide or feel unsafe, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 straight away.
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